My christmas stocking fillers

An exciting group of new and emerging writers exploded onto the literary scene in 2016. So, this Christmas, forget about Dickens, Shakespeare, Bob Dylan and those other boring old white men. Support real local talent by popping one or two of their books into the family stocking or give one to a friend. Here are some favourites we have picked out as special gifts for loved ones, conveniently set out by author, title and publisher’s commentary.

Tim Soutphommasane: Complaints for Dummies; includes harassment and discrimination forms already cut out and filled in for you, and a reply-paid envelope addressed to the Human Rights Commission. You don’t have to do anything but ask for the money!

Barnaby Joyce; Best in Show, special edition with a forward by Johnny Depp.

Riot Woy; Kurds and Woy; my exciting adventures in Kurdistan and up the Tigris and Euphrates with photos of dusky natives and other cool things.

Kevin Rudd; The Lonely New York Years; (Volume. 73) How I almost became Secretary-General of the UN until I was unjustly blocked by that Lying Fascist Reactionary, Malcolm Turnbull AFTER I had told him he had told me that I had told him he had told me I could have it, possibly; including letters of recommendation for my outstanding candidature from the Presidents of Bakino Faso, Sao Tome and St Kitts & Nevis about this disgraceful exercise in duplicity and lack of programmatic specificity. (900 pp. with illustrations and a reference from the Emir of Turkestan (in exile).

Shane Warne; How I scrued chiks, sent lottsa texts and got Noble Pryze (hee! hee!) for Books and Pitchers.

Peter Hendy; Masterchef. The secrets recipes for salmon risotto and savoury mince I cooked at the 30 secret meetings of the Secret Seven in my secret man-cave to plot the downfall of Tony Abbott and bring about the rightful accession of Malcolm Turnbull about which I am now having Second Thoughts, Turnbull I mean, and not the recipes.

Niki Savva, Niki Does Canberra; first edition, still available on the remainder table at Dymocks (50 cents a kilo).

Jon Bon Jovi, JayZ, Robert De Niro, Meryl Streep et al; Clayton’s Canada. A scenic guide from Hollywood to Niagra Falls and back again in double quick time and reverse gear. A must for all celebrities who swore they would go to Canada if Donald Trump was elected as President, but who now think… whatever.

Anthony Weiner; I Took it in My Strides: Diary of a Private Member (with photos by and of the author).

Donald J Trump; Hillary Clinton- My Part in her Downfall.

Hillary Clinton; Basket Weaving for Deplorables.

Tony Abbott; An Exciting Time to be a Backbencher.

Malcolm Turnbull; On Being Innovative and Agile. How every young man can build his own crystal set powered by solar energy and almost lose an election at the same time.

The Queensland University of Technology app; our official guide for new students to help them find all of our 500 safe spaces, harassment-free zones, black-only lunch rooms, non-judgmental tutorial rooms, non-stereotypical sexual fluidity assessment centres, crying rooms, indigenous-only labs, padded cells and funk holes; how to tell a trigger point before you trip over it; and how to find your nearest on-campus franchise of Triggs and Co., purveyors of vexatious litigation.

Richard Di Natale; How Green Was My Valley. A fail-safe guide for employers keen to cut their wages bill by two thirds. Follow the good doctor’s instructions to make your workers feel part of the family and not ask for a pay rise; just give them simple meals in the servants’ hall, deduct a modest allowance for accommodation, and, presto, you can pay them less than McDonalds and 7-Eleven and still feel pure. Special sections on correct protocol for forelock tugging, respectful servility and creative tax accounting.

Jamie Briggs; In the Steps of Suzie Wong. The inside story of an ex-MP’s brush with diplomatic intrigue, passion, bubbly drinks, nylon stockings, high Jinks and fun and games in helter-skelter, harum-scarum Hong Kong. (Warning. Some readers may find part of this book disturbingly enticing).

Derryn Hinch; The Big Sleep. Intimate personal picture of the self sacrificing work ethic of a newly elected Senator as he struggles to keep awake during the cut and thrust of debate and wonders how he got elected.

Sam ‘Dasher’ Dastyari; How to Win Friends and Influence Them to Pay Off Your Debts With No Questions Asked.

And a joint effort from the boys and girls of the Diversity Room at Fairfax Media Ltd; Wit and Humour in the Age and the SMH. A slim volume that packs more into its 3 pages than you might expect.

Finally. Forget about the Noble and Pulitzer Prizes. The winner of the 2016 Alan Bond Prize for Creative Real Estate Development Writing (Receiver and Manager Appointed) is, no, not Bob Day, but:

David Feeney; Vanity Fair. One man’s personal and courageous pilgrimage from union boss to real estate mogul and ALP Senator and MP, with intimate, never-before-seen glimpses of his penthouse in East Melbourne and his new housing development of bijou workers’ cottages nestling among the coffee shops, Safe Schools, reiki healers and anarchist bookshops of Northcote. And, free, as a Christmas bonus with every purchase: How to Marry a Millionaire by the same author. Amazing value!

And don’t overlook new editions of old classics; the best we know of the current offerings, and very topical, is John Stuart Mill’s On Liberty, translated into Arabic and republished by the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia to mark its accession as Chair of the United National Human Rights Council; with new, special sections on genital mutilation, fast track beheadings and the role of the thumbscrew in law enforcement.

Merry Christmas to all book lovers.

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