A one-eyed satirical view from the Point Piper undergrowth

Oh dearie me. As the media from here to Widgiemooltha nauseatingly celebrates the ‘agile’, ‘flexible’, ‘innovative’, ‘twenty first century’ (no slogans here) Malcolm Turnbull and his Ministry, the most cursory analysis reveals the hollowness of such claims.

When faced with a choice of Angus Taylor (Rhodes Scholar – dynamic businessman, economist, family man with real world experience and success), the impressive Dan Tehan (a Master of Foreign Affairs and Trade as well as International Relations, a former diplomat and Liberal Party Deputy Director and Chairman of the Parliament’s Intelligence Committee) or Wyatt Roy (no tertiary qualification, no formal business experience aside from working on his parents’ strawberry farm), the choice was Roy – appointed as the Assistant Minister to promote business innovation of all things.

From the ranks of Parliamentary Secretaries, Alan Tudge (a powerhouse of policy who enjoys wide respect) or Richard Colbeck, a Parly Sec plodder from way back in the Howard era, purely in my humble opinion, if ever there was one, now seen as one of the best ministerial talents worthy of promotion… well, you just have to watch his responses in Question Time to see how much of a featherweight he can sometimes be.

From the ranks of junior ministers, Marise Payne (whose light we are told is now finally shining after a rapid fire 20 year apprenticeship of, er, I can’t-quite-remember-what on the red couches of the Senate) spills into Cabinet displacing the likes of Abbott, Abetz, Andrews and Billson. At a time of international conflict, young Marise goes from the outer ministry with nix Cabinet or National Security Committee experience into one of the most complex portfolios in Government. And the leadership? The two youngest members, Abbott and Abetz (both 57), were removed to make way for the hip ‘new generation’ of a 61 year old Malcie tottering into the top spot.

Sure, the media has their cuddly new Prime Minister but it does not absolve them from their task of critical analysis. And in case you haven’t noticed – I have! – the common theme for the sackings: Abbott supporters. And for promotions? Turnbull supporters.

Oh yes, and of the 20 promotions – guess what, girls? – three quarters are keen to change the definition of marriage – yet two thirds of the party room don’t want to. Removing the three conservative opinion leaders (Abbott, Andrews and Abetz) is hardly conducive to the ‘broad church, tolerance’ doctrine.

The change of leadership only occurred by a handful of votes. If six had voted differently, Turnbull would be on the backbench. At least seven of the plotters surely knew better than to do what they did – one motivated as far as I’m concerned by bitterness, the others by rank self-advancement. There were other misguided hopefuls like the western Sydney ‘bedwetters’ who only won because of Tony Abbott in the first place.

And this ‘agile’ government now has a jumbo sized ministry necessitated (per chance?) by all the promises made to purchase votes. This is a ministry where each other knows there is only one certainty – they are each for sale to the highest bidder. And on that front, my darling ScoMo already commands the numbers if only he had chosen to use them. He should’ve got his people to vote for Abbott, who would have survived (just), opening the door for a handover. Both Abbott and ScoMo mishandled this opportunity. More’s the pity.

And when, apparently, this new Cabinet can’t even trust each other enough to communicate with one and other without using self-destructing messaging apps, you know that the happy family has some real issues behind closed doors.

If you want this bird’s opinion, this Ministry is a ‘mateocracy’ not a meritocracy.

When confronted with a nutritious and substantiative meal of a juicy Angus (Taylor) burger for his ministry, the Prime Minister opted instead for a diet of nutrient and substance-free Wyatt wafers.