Welcome to the Productivity Summit where the word ‘productivity’ means the exact opposite of what you think.

The goal is not to make Australia wealthier more competitive, efficient, or dynamic. That’s neo-liberal talk.

The summit is about generating collateral for government media and election campaigns and to give free sandwiches to the Australian griftocracy.

Big government. Big business. Big labour.

The top 5 ideas so far:

1. Universal Paid Nap Time

Unions argue that ‘restorative snoozes’ will boost productivity. Businesses that can’t compete internationally are thrilled – they’ll get government subsidies for hammocks, beanbags, and taxpayer-funded white noise machines.

2. The Future Fund Future Fund

Let’s borrow $1 trillion to invest it and give the proceeds to the Future Fund who can manage it to enhance the lifestyles of Future Fund employees.

3. The Jobs-for-Life Guarantee

Even if your job is filing carbon copies of faxes that don’t exist anymore, don’t worry – the government will keep paying you. ‘Redundant’ is just capitalist propaganda.

4. Free University Forever (No Graduation Required)

Education unions propose unlimited degrees on the taxpayer dime. You can study interpretive basket-weaving for 17 years – and then demand a government job teaching it.

5. Monthly Grift Summits

Unions and lobbyists agree: the only growth industry left is holding endless government-funded conferences to whinge for … you guessed it … more subsidies, taxes and protection.

Some will say these ideas are ‘stupid’, ‘wasteful’, or ‘catastrophically anti-productive’. But that’s the beauty of the Productivity Summit™ – words mean whatever the governments say they mean. And as long as unions cheer and businesses keep pocketing subsidies, let’s call it productivity.