The current election campaign has been widely described by observers as boring. But here at the Church of the New Religion, we have made a far more accurate assessment. In fact, we are in an advanced state of ecstasy that the campaign has put the final stamp of approval on our movement and all its works. After years of tilling the vineyard and the olive grove, we can finally see the fruits of our labour. We have won. We are now a fully-fledged religion with all the accoutrements of our predecessors but with far more conviction – and power. We have holy places, biblical authority, words that dare not speak their name and, of course, courageous enforcers to ensure that not a single lamb strays from the flock.

Our holy places are too numerous to mention, but one will suffice. I refer to the humble social housing from which our Leader Anthony Albanese emerged under divine providence to move gracefully through the challenges of a free and full-time university course, triumph over the heavy burden of union and government employment and emerge chrysalis-like with a four-million-dollar seaside mansion. A true nativity story and a modern miracle.

Nor is the new religion confined to the worship of holy places. Since we decreed that it is better to Work From Home, our adherents have increased in number at a dazzling rate, as it dawns on the populace that Working From Home means not working at all.

Naturally, our sanctified vestments leave the regalia of the Vatican in the shade. Called Hi-Vis vests, they come in a dazzling range of shapes and colours. For the conservative tendency, we have a stately and respectable blue; our fiery evangelical Left wear the bloody red of barricade wars; for others, the chameleon shades of green provide at least the veneer of  sustainability; and word has been leaked to the Age that work is underway on a tasteful teal, especially in its popular two-faced version. And as ritual is so important in religion, our vestments come with nodding instructions to help the wearer give due obeisance to the incantations of doctrine by the Leader at his press conferences.

The new religion’s holy deeds are inscribed on tablets of stone that may not be challenged: if our Leader says that electricity prices have fallen, they have fallen, even if to the casual and superficial observer they have risen. If our conclave says that climate change causes all our modern disasters, then it does.

Like all religions, our newly sainted class has outlawed words that simply may not be used, for the overall well-being of society. Peter Dutton, for example, had the audacity to use the word ‘limp- wristed’ to describe our Leader’s response to the perfectly normal circumnavigation of Australia by the Chinese Navy. But fortunately, our Sister Penny quickly identified it is a word that strikes fear into the hearts of our diverse communities and must be banned. Equally fortunately, the scribes and Pharisees of the media have agreed and helped us enforce this edict.

Clive Palmer was another apostate rightly condemned. He had the misguided gall to say that there are only two genders of human being, male and female. No matter, a decree has gone forth with universal support that there are not two genders but dozens of them, open to everyone and interchangeable.

Fortunately, the new religion also allows us to change the meaning of words when we must, seen most recently in the newly consecrated meaning of ‘fall’. Did the Leader ‘fall’ from the rostrum after a recent sermon on the mount? To the superficial multitude it may have seemed that he did. But no! The word now has a new meaning for the faithful and its inner caste: the Leader was levitating, not falling. Again, the scribes and Pharisees of the Press have dutifully recorded this miracle. Did the Treasurer ask the Treasury for ‘advice’ on abolishing negative gearing on investments? No, he asked the Treasury if it was a Good Thing. Aboriginal children whom others naively claimed were being protected from drugs, neglect and violence are now ‘stolen children’; abortion has become ‘reproductive rights’; it is racist to say ‘you are stupid and black’, but not racist to say ‘you are stupid and white’. And the word ‘investment’ used to mean putting money into a productive venture to make money. It now means putting taxpayers money into a government project to generate losses and demands for more money. So the ABC is absolutely right in explaining that it needs new investment. Indeed, any handout under the new religion is an investment. Some are especially blessed, as they are also ‘initiatives’. And if you challenge him, the Leader will wreak a terrible but justified vengeance by asking: ‘Have you got Tourette’s?’ which deters most critics from their evil works.

Nor will we allow the slightest departure from the precepts of our creed.  Here again Peter Dutton has fallen from grace. Asked whether climate change has produced the plagues of fire, flood, earthquake and locusts, he replied that he was not a scientist. But we rightly claim adherence to our entire gospel; natural disasters are always caused by climate change and any departure from this precept is blasphemy.

And the new religion has its own enforcers, tame university professors, billionaires parking their private jets outside the World Economic Forum at Davos, and the new Jesuits of ABC Verify. Clive Palmer has also suffered from these sanctions. He had an advertisement that invited viewers to learn ‘the truth about climate change’. This was clear anathema, but fortunately it had only 10 million views, showing that it had little public support. And it did not take very much encouragement to make him recant and for Google to delete it.

We are therefore proud that the election, far from being boring, has seen the emergence of The Church of the New Religion. Our task now is to see that it flourishes. It will!