High in the Snowy Mountains, just past Turnbull’s Leap, is a secret and heavily guarded facility named Alboland, designed to thrust Australia to the forefront of developments in artificial intelligence or, as we call it in scientific circles, AI. Due to our links with the highest echelons of the defence and security establishment, The Spectator Australia has obtained unprecedented access to this powerhouse, and we can now reveal, in a world exclusive, its amazing results.

Our scientists have been able to contrive a series of AI programs called Alborithms that will provide elected officials with infallible solutions to the most intractable issues of public policy. Some of them are too sensitive to disclose, but here are a few of the momentous developments that have emerged from Alboland, encapsulated in a series of unique Alborithms. We can best explain them by stating in turn each of the challenges, followed by the Alborithms that our amazing scientists have devised to solve them.

The desperate need for affordable and low-cost housing. This Alborithm will provide every working family with an annual income of up to $500,000 to buy a cliff-top mansion with ocean views for a fixed price of $4.7 million, giving every worker a chance to get a foot on the property ladder. Their 5 bedrooms, 3 carparks and servants’ quarters will produce the social dividend of bringing families together for holidays, and an extensive range of solar panels and boutique windmills will reduce household energy costs when the sun is shining and the Pacific breezes are blowing. Each package will come with a Welcome doormat inscribed, ‘Me old mum brung me up in social housing so I could go to Uni to do a BA in Social Justice and Equality, and look where it got me.’

Strengthening family bonds. This Alborithm will allow every working parent to enrol their children in a corporate loyalty program with a secure lounge to prevent prying eyes and unwanted intrusions on their privacy. It will also alleviate the mental stress and strain on the young which is all too present in modern life. And in times when the crippling cost of living is ever-present for families, removing the cost of upgrades, cocktail service, fine dining and concierge parking can only help to balance the family budget. Ever mindful that such programs must have public support, it will be rolled out with the motto ‘Albo says the family that plays together, stays together’.

Responding to national tragedies.This program will solve the eternal quandary of how a leader can respond to national tragedies. This was a hard nut to crack, but our super computers, whirring through the night, have found the historical precedent of Louis XVI who, on 20 June 1789, was faced with the quandary of whether to show sympathy to national agony or play tennis and naturally went for the tennis, as it was a salutary hygienic exercise and contributed to national unity among all tennis players. Hence, our Alborithm for modern times to be inserted in every leader’s tragedy package as we call it in Alboland is: ‘Tennis first, compassion second.’

The intractable issue of indigenous rights. A legacy Alborithm we instituted some time ago, it still has a lot of steam in it which will be the foundation for some radical, new AI-inspired programs. To remove the ever-present scourge of racism from Australia, we had worked up a new chamber of parliament for one race, elected by one race from candidates of one race and passing laws for one race. Having solved that problem, two new Alborithms will now solve the remaining indigenous issues. First, our truth solution will achieve truth-telling by having one truth which will be more truthful than all other truths. This will concentrate people’s minds on the one truth and not waste time and resources on pursuing untrue truths. Our other new program is the Makarrata, a dreamtime word to describe the solution that our powerful computers have devised to produce a treaty; our Special Consultant on Togetherness and Harmony has described it as like spearing your opponent’s thigh so ‘they cannot hunt anymore, they cannot walk properly, they cannot run properly; to maim them, to settle them down, to calm them – that’s Makarrata.’ This calming program will produce the Aboriginal treaty we all yearn for.

Mental and Physical conditions. For too long, these neurological conditions have been kept in the shadows and it is not surprising that our systems have discovered that the first step to their eradication must be to confront them in broad daylight so that innocent victims of these scourges will no longer feel that they stand alone. At a declared and delicate point in public debate, the Alborithm will automatically cut in with, ‘Do you have Tourette’s?’ Naturally, there will be a default switch to be used after sober reflection that produces the message, ‘I’m sorry.’

Foreign Affairs and the scourge of antisemitism. In the world of computers, everything is connected with everything else, so it is not surprising that this program will encompass both the crisis in the Middle East and the crisis at home. It was a struggle to combine them, but our powerful computers have done so. An advanced Alborithm will perform a world first and have Australia do two contradictory things at the same time. At the United Nations, we will vote against Israel on alleged war crimes, breaches of international law, demand a two-state solution for Palestine and say that the war should stop. But as this opens the floodgates for antisemitism at home, the program will also ensure that this evil will be looked at very seriously, some very special envoys appointed and some very serious trips made to Israel, while at the same time avoiding doing anything, thus keeping a very serious balance in solving two problems at the same time.

Undoubtedly, the Alborithm is the best option going for equality, compassion and world peace. As we say in Alboland, ‘Give Alborithms a chance’.