Fireworks were banned on Bastille Day. Justice has been updated by the French Senate’s new bill which has approved Big Brother spy cameras in the streets of Paris. What has happened to France? How are the French meant to discreetly meet their lovers for assignations from cinq a sept? Liberte, equalite, fraternite is teetering like a faulty croquembouche. Will France fall like a mealybug soufflé? Will Le Pen prove mightier than Le Macron? Let’s hold a magnifying glass over the land of the Pink Panther to find out whether the French are still French, or complicit in misinformation about all things French (well, at least five things French.)
1. The French are the best lovers
This is misinformation according to the Daily Sun which reported a Global Search survey of 15,000 well, er travelled women who rated the talents of men from 20 countries. France limped in in fourth place behind Spain, Brazil, and Italy. The clue was always there in the words of Napoleon, ‘Not tonight, Josephine’, although some historians say this phrase was concocted by his enemies to cast doubt on his manhood.
2. George Sand
Speaking of manhood, was George Sand a man? Or was elle/il/ils a woman identifying as a man? Or a woman identifying as a man identifying as a woman? Or a man without a penis? And what is a man?
Long before Matt Walsh crossed America trying to find someone with the balls to answer the question, ‘What is a woman?’ Victor Hugo gives some insight into the frustration it raised even in the 19th century when he said, ‘George Sand cannot determine whether she is male or female. I entertain a high regard for all my colleagues, but it is not my place to decide whether she is my sister or my brother.’
3. Are the French rude?
Hugo appears to be quite a diplomat but do the French live up, or down to their reputation for rudeness? It is sacrilege not to say ‘Bonjour’ when you walk into a shop but when waiting for a lift one must never say ‘Bonjour’ until entering it, and when exiting one must say ‘Bonne journee’. Otherwise, the wrath of a Parisian stare will pierce you like the knitting needle of Madame Defarge
4. Is French toast French?
French toast is not French. The French think people who eat French toast for breakfast lack character. French toast is made by soaking sliced bread in milk or egg and frying it in butter. The French don’t call sliced bread white they call it pain de mie, thereby avoiding accusations of racism. And they don’t call French toast French because it isn’t. They call it pain perdu because they make it with stale bread. French toast was very popular in the court of Henry the Fifth of England. While the French do eat it, they refer to it as Pain Perdu or lost bread, perhaps because it offers a way to bring stale bread back to life. But is it French? Of course not. Joseph French was never good at grammar and when he marketed this delicacy in the US in the 18th century, he mistakenly called it French toast instead of French’s toast.
5. Is the croissant French?
Of course, the croissant is French. It was born in Austria as a kipferl but who talks about a kipferl? Nobody. The kipferl was nothing until it came to Paris in 1839 with August Zang who opened his Boulangerie Viennoise at 92, Rue de Richelieu in Paris offering viennoiseries aka croissants. If the French eat anything for breakfast, they eat a croissant. The French see it not as a meal but as a test of character because one must eat almost nothing for the rest of the day if one is to remain thin.
Terrence Ferale (@terrytheferal1 ) is retired feline double agent. He spent many years in France. He does not eat French toast. If you would like to contribute to Mr Ferale’s tuna habit please donate here.
