You may not know it, but I am well-known in progressive circles for my work as a conservationist and a thought leader in the battle to save endangered species, one of which is under immediate threat of extinction.

I refer to the Running Commentary, some intriguing footprints of which have been identified in the furthest reaches of Western Australia. I was first alerted to its imminent peril when I saw Anthony Albanese being asked on television what he thought about a particularly elliptical observation that had been made by Donald Trump. Mr Albanese’s reply chilled me to the bone: ‘I will not give a Running Commentary on everything that President Trump says.’ He then started to use similarly ominous phrases, no matter what the subject. When asked about the cost of his bijou coastal retirement cottage, he replied, ‘There will be no Running Commentary on mansions with scenic views and six bedrooms that cost $4 million, especially when I was brought up in social housing.’ Likewise, he made it clear that there are no Running Commentaries to be had on the Reserve Bank’s decision on interest rates on loans of $4 million. Nor will there be a Running Commentary on how to get free flights, upgrades and membership of the Qantas Chairman’s Lounge for your children. And there will certainly not be one on the date of the next election or whether the Labor party would get into bed with the Greens in a minority government. Soon, his entire ministry had risen like one man to say, no matter what the question, ‘There will be no more Running Commentaries on that or any other subject.’ Now, his Defence Minister Richard Marles has joined in with the disturbing announcement that there will be no Running Commentary on Donald Trump’s claim that Ukraine invaded Russia. So there is little doubt but that the Running Commentary is virtually extinct.

In conservation circles we say that this is a great shame, as the Running Commentary (and a related species, the Ongoing Commentary) performs an invaluable service, particularly in politics and government. In fact, it has given us everything that is good and great in those two fields: delusion, fantasy, mythology, nonsense, daydreams and the last refuge of the demented politician – vision. In fact, it can safely be said that without the Running Commentary, politics and government would have to deal in facts, common sense and reason and you can imagine what a stultifying effect that would have on life as we know it today.

For instance, where would climate change be without the Running Commentary? No rational person who survived last year’s Arctic freeze in Melbourne could possibly believe that the temperature has risen or that we can do anything about it. But 20 years of Running Commentary has convinced us that there is a climate crisis and that we can solve it by bankrupting ourselves, destroying industries, keeping our natural resources in the ground and stopping industrial progress, which is much more exciting and challenging.

And look at the economy. What a boring spectacle it would be if we spent only what we earned and lived within our means. But, here again, the Running Commentary has opened the door to an exciting vista where we can spend billions today on propping up rusty steel works, more billions tomorrow on free trips to the doctor every time we have a runny nose and even more billions when we don’t like paying the rent and think it would be better if the government paid it.

And look at housing. There was a tedious and pedestrian era when you were expected to save up for a deposit on a house and then organise your life to pay it off by working. Fortunately, this humdrum approach has been brought to an end, as the running commentary from the media, academia, consultants and experts has taught us that there is a better way of providing housing for the people, namely by government handouts.

Our population itself is also much more vibrant and colourful now, thanks to input from the Running Commentary. Australia used to be such a dull place when we only took in people who could speak English, fitted in easily, had no trouble finding a job, and were able to live with each other in peace and harmony. But the Running Commentary has shown us this was a short-sighted approach and that it would be much better if we just took anyone, complete with their rich background of experience in stimulating places like Gaza.

And thanks to the Running Commentary, our indigenous people have at long last been given the blessings of modern life: committees, consultancies, conferences, a flag, money and every encouragement to change the constitution. That’s real progress.

The extinction of the Running Commentary is, therefore, a national tragedy. The only solace is that a vigorous new species may be emerging to take its place. The Premier of Victoria, Jacinta Allan, has identified this wonderful creature, the Let Me Make it Clear and its sub-species, the Let Me Make it Perfectly Clear.

This amazing chameleon-like creature speaks from one side of its mouth to say one thing and then the other side to say the opposite, adding immense variety and excitement to public life. We wish it well.