The year started off in the worst way imaginable. I had to make the painful decision to end my beloved cat’s life at the start of 2024. What started as a routine checkup quickly descended into the kind of news you dread. The vet (who appeared younger than my cat) informed me that he only had a few weeks left to live and suggested it would be honourable to have him put to sleep. Have you ever received a bill from the vets? I felt like an arrow had been shot into my heart, and then I discovered a gas bill stuck to it. This happened before I was asked to speak on Fox News about an article I wrote detailing the green hypocrisy of child labour in Congolese cobalt mines. I declined politely. I believed the audience would be disturbed if a fully grown man was shown choking live on television. Optics and all that.
I still have my health. Right? The nurse at my new doctor’s office doesn’t think so. How often has a medical examination ended with the question, ‘Do you have young children? You might not be around to attend their graduation.’ The bloody cheek of it! While taking my blood pressure, the nurse winced and did that teeth-drying thing. I should probably make it a New Year’s resolution to eat less cheese.
As though things couldn’t possibly get any worse, Britain elected a government in July that appears to be objectively useless. The Labour Party is a lot like a skirting board; while I assume we need them, I’m not entirely sure why. They are led by a man with all the charm and charisma of a blocked toilet. Keir Starmer resembles the photo that was included with the frame. His approval rating has completely collapsed in less than six months. The man is a walking meme factory: #Keir-Starmer-Farmer-Harmer, #Two-Tier-Keir, #Free-Gear-Keir and another rather salacious one that I will not repeat here. You can say whatever you like about Jeremy Corbyn, but at least the man had principles – albeit a lot of misguided ones.
As the war in Israel-Gaza continues, spare a moment to consider the hostages that Hamas continues to hold. I have no idea what those poor families must be going through. Despite the fact that I have lost several friends to suicide this year, at least there is closure. You are aware their lives are over.
The most recent instalment of the Terrifier series was a total riot. This time around, the manic clown dresses up as Santa and gives obnoxious and annoying teenagers more than just presents. One audience member gagged and stormed out of the theatre during my favourite scene, which featured a chainsaw carving up a passionate couple in the shower. Alien Romulus proved why the franchise should be launched into hyperspace. Speaking of Ridley Scott, Gladiator 2 ought to be enough evidence that the once-incredible visionary filmmaker should seriously consider retiring.
On the small screen, the exceptional Arcane returned to show the world how a small independent company can take on Hollywood’s titans and revolutionise the animation industry. On behalf of all Australians, I apologise for sending you Ant and Dec to host the repugnant ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ show for the umpteenth time. Idiots watch reality TV which is like human bear baiting.
Nadal’s retirement was humbling. I always enjoyed watching the hard-hitting Spaniard the most out of ‘the big four’. For a generation, commentators will talk about how he dominated the French Open. In cricket, sledging is saying goodbye to a couple of legends. Jimmy Anderson has finally bowed out of Test cricket as the highest wicket-taking fast-bowler in history. (Sorry Glenn McGrath!) And what an achievement at 42. He still had a lot to offer, in my opinion. He could have continued for years, just like Richie Benaud. England will not have a seamer of his calibre in their lineup for a long time. Now that Warner has left, the Ashes will be slightly less entertaining next year.
Despite the rough year I’ve had, I still have a lot to be thankful for. As a writer, or at least that’s what I identify as on my tax return, I seem to have made some headway in earning a living. We also got two new kittens, which occupy a lot of my time. They’ve chewed through my sofa and shredded two sets of curtains. They drive me insane, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
There are many catastrophic events and terrible problems in the world, yet I genuinely believe that now is the greatest time to be alive. We are living longer than ever before as a result of increased wealth and scientific advancements. Over the past century, extreme weather mortality has decreased by 98 per cent. Polar bears are thriving, and the world is not on fire, despite what the eco-doomsayers believe. Living standards are improving: 65,000 people being lifted out of poverty every day, and global inequality has reached a 150-year low. This is a result of capitalism, competition, and technology.
When I was a child, my mother suggested that Santa had come to the house by tipping flour around a pair of shoes. I treasure that memory. I’ll probably follow suit if I ever have children. Tradition is equal parts nostalgia and importance. I go to my local church’s Christmas Eve carol service every year. I enjoy the sight of the young choir as they emerge with candles singing Handel’s Messiah. I will celebrate Christmas Day in the same way I always do, with friends and family by my side. I watch other people open their gifts as I begin my day with orange juice and champagne. Gentleman Jack whisky is my poison, and I will raise a glass to everyone around me and to those I have lost. Sláinte!
