Everyone has a Dan Andrews statue opinion. After two years of Covid lockdowns, rings of steel, #IluvDan hashtags and daily media conferences where no one seemed willing to ask a North-Face-jacket-hard question, how can you not?

If you’re living in Victoria and still on the drip you must have a view, even though there isn’t a statue yet, just the promise of a statue that may never be built. Besides, if it is built it’ll end up in Glasgow, late, over budget, and Victorians still paying for it even as we win gold against Kiribati in the 100 metres track because since 1776 the United States hasn’t been eligible to compete.

Like a latexed Katy Perry singing ‘Chains’ while riding atop a gun metal Hindenburg replica and AFL Grand Final pre-match entertainment, this is a very Melbourne problem in an Angry Anderson Batmobile kind of way.

The rules say Dan gets a statue because he was in power for 3,000 days. Which in dog years, Covid lockdown time, or queueing outside an obscure three-thumbs Melbourne laneway restaurant at 3 a.m. for pho because Adam Bandt recommended it is like, forever. The Covid years show that Victorians will always follow the rules, especially when it comes to queuing and a police presence involving capsicum spray. Though like our crap weather and love-hate relationship with discarded e-scooters we are a changeable bunch, with passive-aggressive intent which may pass for genuine interest in your life story. We will decide which statues we allow into our city and the circumstances in which they come.

Go blame former premier Jeff Kennett for the confusion and reach for a psychologist. Maybe one of the expensive ones, that get hired for television dating shows. Because he introduced the 3000-day statue rule back when he was riding high on petrol fumes and electoral love, down at Albert Park’s Grand Prix pissing off local residents who vote Green and like to recycle other people’s opinions, waving the chequered flag and thinking he was going to rule the world forever. With that buzz cut, frayed Hawthorn scarf and Easter Island statue façade, Jeff gives the impression he isn’t overly fussed about anything really and always finishes his interviews by saying ‘Have a good day’. Though does he really mean it? Is the statue-deal getting to him, like a cheque he never cashed? Even he’s had a few digs about Dan’s statue and its propensity to attract pigeons.

So, which is it, Jeff? Having instigated this statue rule, you famously never qualified for yourself, is this just some sort of Freudian statue envy? Or are you playing 3D political chess and trying to get into Dan Andrews’ head even though he’s probably more focused on chasing sandbelt golf club memberships anyway?

Beyond the four walls of a former premier’s brain, there’s been a lot of carry on about whether or not Dan gets a statue. Mainly from Melburnians who used to love coming into the city before it turned into a dead tooth of shuttered shop windows, building sites that never get finished, road closures and traffic sign holders on $200k per year. But those screaming about Dan’s statue are guilty of the same lefty revisionism groupthink many of us hate, where if you don’t like this particular version of history, here’s another one you might like instead.

This is where the guys with the nose rings claim that anyone who doesn’t pass their history purity test cannot have a statue or if they do have a statue, it needs be pulled down, renamed or put up a parking lot, to quote that old hippie singer Joni Mitchell, whose albums were never really as good as the critics claim – maybe Spotify can ban her and any other boringly self-absorbed folk singers or at least the people who have them on their playlists.

It’s disappointing to see otherwise sensible if bonsai-sized commentators like Steve Price join with the revisionists to describe a Dan’s statue as an ‘absolute disgrace’. I think history is history and rarely perfect. Wanting to revise your history is like a deluded retired teacher activist throwing soup at a Van Gogh because he didn’t recycle or slipping acid up the nose of police horses at the recent Melbourne protests because they’re all fascists anyway, especially those haughty spoiled ones running in the Melbourne Cup.

Dan Years are Victoria’s history. For better or worse, like Kirner years or Gough. If deceased former Queensland premier Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen can get a peanut named after him then Dan gets a statue too. The main thing is don’t use gas to construct it, as gas is evil and banned in Victoria now. Or if you’ve been watching The Block, maybe it isn’t?

For those who dislike Dan, the real concern isn’t that he’s the one getting the statue, it’s more that currently none of his opponents look remotely like getting their own statue themselves, anytime soon – certainly not a 3,000 days one. And what is 3,000 days these days, anyway. In billable hours and allowing for the fact everyone works 4-day weeks now, whether officially or not.

Watching current opposition leader John Pesutto and Liberal now Independent MP Moira Deeming own-goaling conservative dirty linen in court the last few months rather than fighting their political opponents suggests they’re all working very hard to ensure there’s no risk of a Liberal premier statue anytime soon, except if it’s of someone shooting themselves through the foot.

There is a solution. Melbourne Council have commissioned an eight-metre-high bronze kangaroo statue by New Zealand artist Michael Parekowhai presumably in honour of it being over 15,000 days since Matilda the kangaroo terrorised children at the Brisbane Commonwealth Games. Either that or a tribute to the Australian-New Zealand relationship and the Kiwi commitment to never giving a sucker an even break.  Constructed for Melbourne Docklands’ wind-tunnel we could relocate it, next to the other premier statues as a kind of Dan surrogate beside those of Henry Bolte, John Cain and the guy smoking a cigarette.

Giant Kanga may not look like Dan, but originally budgeted for two million dollars, it’s apparently now blown out to twenty-two. It seems a fitting tribute.