Off the beach of Ipanema where the tall and tanned girls go, they’ve found Brazilian sharks with cocaine in their systems. I can only guess how the testing was done though it can’t have been any more difficult than enforcing a ban on doped-up Chinese swimmers claiming it was the Aussie beef that did it.

Narcissistic sharks getting wired and talking bitcoin gibberish are a symptom of a greater societal malaise. There is – literally – something in the water, as this aligns with an ACIC illicit drugs report which asks the big question: what do Australians get up to when nobody is looking, and the Olympics aren’t on? According to their report which tested Aussie waste water for drugs (now there’s a career choice), the answer again is, coke.

I’m up for a recreational drugs story as much as the next generational grifter. I’m here for Jacinta Allan and her support for Music Festival drug-testers because nothing says safe drugs like a defibrillator in a paddock. Personally, I’d hire bikies to do the testing, cut out the middleman and save on costs though since Big Build and revelations of what their executives get paid, I don’t think this is a thing anymore. A 12-step program may be needed. As Barack Obama once said, it’s the politics of hope.

Allan and the Greens seem to be all in on the notion of ‘safe drugs’ especially when doof-doof music is involved, though I wonder if their beliefs have been shaken after the deaths of two recreational users in Melbourne resulted from some dodgy coke that even the bikie dealers wouldn’t touch because what’s the point in killing your clients. Bikies are nothing if not fiscal realists.

As any customs officer will tell you, ‘drugs’ are never really about ‘drugs’, it’s about what people do to be happy in the otherwise empty void of their existence. I’ve never done drugs but according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs I’ve never been truly happy either. Just happy in a Baz Luhrmann kind of way – lots of Oscar buzz from your coked-up shark publicist but nobody ever actually wins, and if they did you can’t remember it. Though like Steven Miles I can stare and giggle at a primary colours political catastrophe for hours.

Not to go all Maslow or even Oprah as she gives away another car, but happiness, what is it? I’ve asked myself this and I’m not on drugs, or even at a Daylesford personal consciousness retreat watching the big screen as Karl spruiks the Paris Olympics. I enjoyed the drag-ification of Da Vinci’s Last Supper, the Ozempic product placement when the fat naked blue guy arose off a platter of potatoes in the name of art. I even enjoyed the nod to Millennial culture with the sneaky pic of the spandex short shorts-wearing apostle with his one testicle dangling out the side that went viral (the image, not his testicle – where’s our eSafety Commissioner when we need her?) Don’t tell me the French don’t know how to do culture or bake a non-binary bread stick.

Watching four hours of self-congratulatory narcissism, out-of-tune pre-recorded Lady Gaga vocals, badly performed strangely sexless can-cans and neurotic self-identifying specialness, while the singer sings ‘imagine there’s no countries’ as the boats from the real countries go past, left me disoriented and reminded me of that old Nancy Reagan anti-substance abuse ad with the two frying eggs and the tag ‘your brain on drugs’.

This self-indulgent search for happiness or a better class of pharmaceuticals has now taken over the US presidential campaign. I presume other than Hunter there are no mind-altering drugs involved, with Kamala the Democrats candidate nudging a frail Joe Biden into that lost twilight world of irrelevance often experienced by people the Obamas and George Clooney no longer support. Kamala’s signature is her cackle, and nothing says happiness, or an old Cheech and Chong movie more than breaking out in laughter at pretty much anything – your border policy is a disaster (cackle); BLM is rioting in the streets (super cackle and let me grab my cheque book); you used to say Joe was a racist and then you became his vice president (rolling on floor until unconsciousness sets in).

Critics aside, Kamala may be onto something.  An always Laughing Kamala may be a vote-winner against a Scowling Trump regardless of their respective policies. After all, we are usually happier when we laugh. The Japanese government has noticed this and passed legislation to encourage citizens to laugh more as the stoic, unsmiling Japanese persona is apparently stress-inducing and bad for GDP. In an act of cultural appropriation not seen since Hollywood’s Godzilla vs. Kong, they want to legislate citizens to act more like Americans on a trip to Vegas, laughing and giggling all the way to the slot machines.

I’m pleased to say Melbourne’s Yarra Council is onboard with this as telling people how to behave is one of their KPIs along with banning nuclear reactors from Brunswick Street cafes. Having decided over a beef roast council dinner that vegetarianism is what makes them happy, they’re launching a campaign to convince ratepayers that meat is murder and bad for the environment too. Not surprisingly, given the local European café vibe, it’s mainly reminiscent of when East Germany had compulsory calisthenics to win gold medals, save communism and prop up their thriving anabolic steroids industry.

Like Hunter Biden or the bearded lady at the opening ceremony, the search for happiness, a decent barber or drugs continues. Someone once told me the secret to happiness is lots of friends. But this was just a girl I was dating moving me into the friend zone because I had no drugs on me. In India, billionaire Mukesh Ambani hired instant besties Rihanna and Justin Bieber for his son’s wedding to ensure this was the happiest day of his life. You can’t buy happiness, but it can purchase you a better-quality karaoke.

Really, it all comes down to money. A recent survey says you need $190,000 annually to be happy in Australia. This seems a lot of drugs until you realise under the new CFMEU agreement lollipop traffic-control sign people now earn two hundred grand. Who knows what a good waste water tester gets.