One aspect of life that keeps me awake at night is my concern that our readers who do not live in Victoria are missing out on news of the momentous events that take place on a daily basis in our state and its fair capital, Marvellous Melbourne. Accordingly, to bring you up to date, here are a few of the recent achievements in the Athens of the South.

First, we have solved the problem of government debt. Many governments rest on their laurels when it comes to debt. They are too easily satisfied by getting debt up to the normal unmanageable and crippling levels, without realising there is more debt to be found if only they would try harder. But the Victorian government rightly rejoices in debt and has been unrelenting in finding new ways of incurring it. So successful has it been that, although in 2018 we owed $3,400 each, we have now got that figure up to the dizzy height of $25,000. And we pay for it by exciting new taxes.

Then, we have solved the intractable problem that has baffled economists for years: can a government incur debt by doing nothing? Incurring debt by doing useless things is easy, because most things that a government does are a complete waste of time and money. But Victoria has hit on the masterstroke of incurring debt by not doing things, for example by not hosting the Commonwealth Games. By that single act, we have managed to increase our debt by $589 million, a true milestone. And more exciting new taxes to pay for it.

Now that this precedent has been established, we have applied it to our vast array of public works, particularly transport projects that have been announced and terminated at astronomical cost. Indeed, our beloved Grattan Institute has found that ‘projects that are not approved or abandoned quickly are more prone to cost overruns’. But we have found that it is better to do both at the same time: approve a project and then abandon it. That way, the government gets the kudos of announcing a new project, but it also gets the debt that comes from cancelling it.

We have also taken a great leap forward in government accountability, the cornerstone of democracy. Here again, there was an intractable problem: what to do with the pile of reports of inquiries and commissions set up in a rush of guilt to solve problems and give the impression that we are doing something about them? But Victoria has shown the way; we now table dozens of reports on the last sitting day of each session of the parliament and release all of them at the same time so that none can be read.

Moreover, unrelenting research has shown that most reports can be dealt with by ignoring them, which avoids stultifying debate altogether. Thus, our ministers announce that any issues unearthed have been referred to the appropriate authorities who will not cease from mortal toil until they produce more reports to be released on the same day so that they can also be ignored. This reform has been helped by modernising our freedom of information laws which have been an almost unconquerable obstacle to effective and efficient government, as too much information can produce disturbing debate. But we have solved that problem also, by deciding that freedom of information requests will generally not be replied to and, then, only if the response is irrelevant to anything and if it is heavily redacted.

Another knotty problem has been that the public can know more than is good for them, which encourages too much inquiry. Sometimes, it can even lead to smaller government which must be avoided at all costs, as small government is bad government. Libraries are a particular problem in that regard as people can read in libraries and when that takes hold, ordered society can collapse. But a significant step in arresting this danger has been taken by our City Library which had the problem of too many books. Lateral thinking has saved the day by taking thousands of volumes from the library and shredding them. Thus, the true value of a library without books will at last be given a fair trial.

And no city or state is complete if it allows humour and ridicule to distract it from more sober pursuits. There is no danger of that happening here, since the Melbourne Comedy Festival banned our one true comedian, Barry Humphries. And lest it be said that I am just a harping critic, I can announce that I have asked the international federation of comedy festivals to see if they have ever had an act quite as courageous as banning a comedian from a comedy festival.

No city or region and region can be truly great without a great newspaper and Melbourne has its own, the Age. And what a success it has been since it took its courageous left-wing tilt. Why, it now has an alleged readership of 4.8 million people, every day, which must make our region the best-read population on earth. And it has introduced a great reform: those interviewed have the right to remain anonymous, even if only because they want to be anonymous. Cynics say that you must wonder whether anyone quoted really exists at all, but we know better.

And never let it be said that our city and state are living in the past. We have a well-advanced program of destroying and disfiguring our public monuments, especially those that might remind us of our dark colonial history. To keep you up to date I can inform you, as an example, of the long overdue removal of the reactionary and hidebound memorial in Richmond to the early use of domestic gas in those well-forgotten colonial days of the past.

Thus, Melbourne and Victoria as a whole have found the magic formula for progress: debt, taxes, big government and public works we sometimes finish. We hope that puts you in the picture.