Here at the Spectator Australia Political Research Institute we have been grappling with the most contentious issue that is currently  baffling political scientists around the world. The question is whether there has ever been a government minister in any country as hopeless, hapless, woebegone, ignorant of his responsibilities and unable to perform the most basic requirements of his office than Andrew Giles, the Australian Minister for Immigration. The answer: no.

In preparation, we have collaborated with our international partners in political research to see if they could suggest any candidates for a shortlist of ministers who might be as bad as the pathetic Giles. Our colleagues in China replied that they had certainly had difficult ministers from time to time, but most of them were in prison. The Institute for Creative Democracy in Iran reported that most of their current failures had already been shot, hanged or stoned to death, although there was a strong push from enlightened liberal mullahs to bring back garrotting. A group of African nations replied that regrettably they had no list of government ministers as they had no government. Our colleagues from South Sudan replied that they had two governments and which list of failures would we like to see? Our Russian colleagues seem to have entirely misunderstood our request, as they replied: ‘Here are some new recipes for untraceable poisons that have proved successful, particularly at afternoon teas served by our illustrious President and which might help solve your problem. You can pay in any cryptocurrency you wish.’

But as could only be expected, the British have furnished us with a seemingly endless list of ministerial miscreants who have come to grief and been sacked. My favourite is Ron Davies, a member of Tony Blair’s cabinet who had to resign after groping a boy on Clapham Common. He hotly denied this outrageous allegation and claimed that he was only on Clapham Common because he was ‘badger watching’. An early scandal was the Marconi imbroglio where four UK ministers were caught insider trading in the company’s shares. British ministers in general have fallen like autumn leaves after a series of scandals from the Vassall affair of spying for the Soviet Union,  breaches of Covid restrictions, cash for questions, honours, and influence, parties at Number 10, and Liam Fox’s resignation as minister for defence over a curious but paid relationship with a male friend which had ‘blurred’ his ministerial responsibilities. But the star turn was John Profumo, the minister for war who distinguished himself in 1960 by sleeping with most of London’s models, sharing defence secrets with the KGB and lying about it in parliament. Then there was the crop of ministers caught up in scandals where they claimed excessive expenses, up to and including mortgage payments on their private dwellings. My favourite in that category was the inventive First Minister for Scotland who supplemented his modest income by letting out his electorate office!

The list goes on from Crichel Downs, the Suez crisis, and up to and including Jo Moore who was indelicate enough to suggest to her ministerial press office on 9/11 that it was ‘a good day to get out anything we want to bury’. Poor Edwina Currie also had to resign for saying that millions of British eggs were infected with salmonella and, worse still, having an affair with John Major.

Here at home we have had Barry O’Farrell resigning for not declaring a bottle of Grange Hermitage, endless Eddie Obeid transgressions, John Brown whom I got rid of for misleading parliament about a government contract, and Stuart Ayres for trying to appoint John Barilaro to a diplomatic job in the US.

I hasten to add that Andrew Giles is not guilty of any of these sins. In fact, I would prefer that he had devoted his entire political life to badger watching, rather than his ham-fisted failure to administer Australia’s policy on illegal refugees. He might have caused less trouble to the badgers and to himself. But he has shown from the first day of his appointment that he is completely out his depth and obviously has no concept of ministerial responsibility. He had no idea of the looming disaster of the High Court’s decision that set a horde of 150 refugees free, simply because they could not be deported. He was totally unprepared for this decision, had no idea what the government could do to save its tattered reputation on illegal migration and is permanently tongue-tied whenever he has to explain what the government is doing to keep these desperados locked up. Having been ambushed by the High Court’s frolic, he set up a scheme allegedy for keeping them under surveillance, but it did not occur to him to make any arrangements for their supervision, custody, and ankle monitors or for denying them bail, when the inevitable happened and they were charged with committing further crimes. In the meantime, he issued them all with new visas which are invalid because of a ‘technical problem’.

He then abandoned all responsibility for making decisions by setting up a review board to advise him, but when its decisions were exposed as far too soft and indifferent to the public welfare, he deluged us with weasel words that he was not really responsible for letting these trouble-makers break their curfew and go back to their regular pastimes of drug trafficking, home invasions and beating up old ladies. Any questions he is asked in parliament or at a press conferences are greeted either with an insane leer or the terrified grimace of a rabbit caught in the cross hairs of a shotgun, or a badger hiding from the deadly embrace of a British cabinet minister.

But our research has produced one desirable result that should come about pretty soon and relieve us of this unparalleled ministerial disaster. Albanese will sack him, but under the time-honoured guise of a Clayton’s ministerial reshuffle and the desperate need to find a new Australian ambassador to Pitcairn Island.