The Albanese government’s proposed misinformation legislation will be introduced into parliament later this year and will probably be passed. So it’s time to prepare as Australia descends deeper into an Orwellian underworld. With Big Brother spying on you from every screen, strategies of the Cold War era have come back into vogue for the clandestine passage of information. Here are eight time-tested techniques to outwit the masters of miscommunication.
1. The dead drop
The dead drop involves putting a message (usually in code) in an item. Think hollow coins or a bottle of Bolly if you need some Dutch – er, French – courage. Coins have limited space but can hold messages in microdots, a writing system developed during the 1870 Franco-Prussian War to lighten the load of carrier pigeons. This method has a royal imprimatur as the future Queen Elizabeth was fond of pigeon carriers to send messages. The most famous case of a hollow coin being intercepted was when a Russian spy accidentally gave his hollow coin to a newspaper boy. When the boy dropped the coin, the microdot photo fell out, but the secret message was still safe for four years because that’s how long it took the FBI to crack its code.
2. Auslan, Elvish, Klingon
Make communication inaccessible to nosy bureaucrats. There are many mythical languages you can learn that government agents and their goons are unlikely to master, such as conversational Klingon. Start with simple phrases but be careful as a seemingly anodyne statement such as ‘xɑb ʂoʂ.ˈlɪʔ q͡χut͡ʃ’ which is pronounced ‘Hab SoSlI’ Quch’ and means ‘Your mother has a smooth forehead’ is, as Star Trek fans know, a grave insult. It may be worth memorising, ‘mIpHa’wI’ vIVumlaH?’ (Where can I get a fake vaccine passport?) which is bound to be useful. Traditionalists may prefer Elvish, or if you are handy with hand movements, Auslan could be useful if you are being bugged.
3. Cryptography
Classical codes rearrange the order of letters or substitute one letter with another. For example, ‘The solar panel is booby trapped’ becomes ‘Uif tpmbs qbofm jt cppcz usbqqfe,’ by replacing each letter with the one following it. In Caesar’s code, each letter is replaced by another letter a fixed number of positions further along in the alphabet. Caesar used it with a shift of three to communicate with his generals, although messages such as ‘ lchmy nby vfiix izz gs niau’ or ‘rinse the blood off my toga’ may have been meant for the local laundromat. The first known code was carved in stone in Egypt around 1900 BC. Ancient Israelites used Atbash, an early Hebrew code. For an added layer of protection in these trying times, consider translating conversational Klingon into Abash.
4. Combustible notepaper
Put a combustible notebook on your shopping list. This was used in the second world war and contained film that, when triggered by a pencil, would go up in smoke, disappearing in seconds. The CIA used paper which was water-soluble for making notes and could be disposed of, if necessary, in the toilet without flushing or by using it to blow your nose (this could be a bit messy).
5. Poetry
The French Resistance used poetry to encode messages. It was also used to identify other members of the resistance. One of the most famous and moving poems used to encrypt a message was ‘The Life that I Have,’ written by Leo Marks. Chelsea Clinton had it read out at her wedding to Marc Mezvinsky. Was she sending a secret message to someone? In Klingon?
6. Pyramid power
The Pyramid structure was also used by the French Resistance. It was based on the idea that members only ever interacted with one or two people. Since no records of membership were kept and messages were only transmitted by word of mouth, enemy infiltrators could only ever identify at most two resistance members, keeping the rest of the organisation safe. It worked until it didn’t when the Gestapo infiltrated the command level in certain resistance groups. These days it’s hard to trust anyone, although learning that someone has a lifetime subscription to The Spectator is a good start.
7. Jack-in-the-box
This isn’t about communication but could be useful if you’re on the run from a chief health officer or the thought police. A Jack-in-a-Box was used in 1982 by the CIA agent to evade KGB surveillance. It is a suitcase that hides a dummy that looks like you from the shoulders up. If you’re in a car chase, just wait for a sharp turn, open the Jack-in-the-Box, and roll out the passenger door. (Once cars are banned, this may not work as well on a bicycle.)
8. Tying your shoelaces
This is part of the magicians’ code. Tying your shoelaces in different ways could mean anything from, ‘I am going to blow up the wind turbine,’ to ‘The woman standing next to you has a penis, and I think she likes you.’ Hiding messages in plain sight is a time-tested strategy. Just don’t tie both shoes together and trip over.
Terrence Ferale is a retired feline double agent with a penchant for carrier pigeons. He can be found lurking on twitter @terrytheferal1 If you would like to contribute to Mr Ferale’s tuna habit please donate here.
