(From a source)

Here at Autocracies United, I can report that we had a bumper year in 2022. Autocracy is alive and kicking. Literally. Not only have we seen an increase in the number of fully paid-up and genuine autocracies and dictatorships, but they have plumbed new depths of barbarity and depravity. And there has been a complete renaissance in the international standing of our members, most of whom have acquired an air of respectability and legitimacy, none of which, between you and me, they deserve. This gives the lie to the so-called experts, commentators and think tanks who have been prattling on about how Ukraine has brought the democracies together so that they now form a united front against autocracy and dictatorship. What a laugh! In reality, the autocracies are stronger and more united than ever, and it is all due to the failure of democracies to show an ounce of backbone and stand up for what they are supposed to believe in. In fact, we autocracies are widely accepted as fully-fledged members of the laughable international community, especially at that paragon of virtue we all love, because it lets us get away with murder, the United Nations. And our members in good standing are, if I may coin a phrase, at the cutting edge of acquiring a whole new set of skills of which the wider diaspora of despots can be justly proud. Take Myanmar, for instance, the former Burma. It has just instituted some highly effective techniques in constructive crowd control to reflect the true aspirations of its people, like having its courageous air force use helicopters to machine gun local children on their way to kindergarten, in self-defence of course. Iran is not far behind; its visionary reform of executing anyone who disagrees with the mad mullahs is a great leap forward in efficiency and national cohesion that none of the democracies can equal. At the same time, it builds on its experience in those old stand-bys: garrotting, burying alive, and throwing its citizens from the tops of buildings. And it is great to see Afghanistan is back into the swing of things in the beheading department; with any luck it will soon get its stoning and flogging numbers back to where they were when the Taliban was so unjustly overthrown. Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia has been honing new skills in hacksawing journalists to pieces and packaging their remains into easily managed garbage bags before carting them off to the local rubbish dump but keeping up their skills in hurling rockets into residential buildings in Yemen. Then there is China, which has thrown off its cloak of respectability and become more expansionist, aggressive and intimidating, all true skills of the modern autocracy, and fortified by a new militarism. Taiwan is rapidly becoming target practice for the Chinese air force and with no reprisals or resistance. And at the same time, the Chinese have become great reformers: their skill in curating new, contagious diseases is legendary: locking people in their homes and welding the gates closed was a milestone in public health. Russia has set a new standard in simply invading Ukraine, laughingly pretending it is the victim rather than the aggressor, raining terror on the people, committing unspeakable horrors on everything within its reach and holding the world to ransom on food and energy. To be honest, here at Autocracies United we never thought they would get away with it. But they did, a proud autocracy if ever there was one. The old democracies, especially the US and the shifty Europeans, have emerged as strong on talk and providing equipment that, at best, will hamper the Russian advance a bit, but very weak on the hard stuff that would deter Moscow, like tanks, men on the ground and planes in the sky. Russia, urged on by valiant Belarus, is free to perpetrate more horrors, which it will, because it knows there will be no serious response from the West to stop it.

North Korea is, of course, a joke. But a nuclear-armed joke which makes it a far more serious member of our fraternity. Donald Trump could talk to the bloated lunatic who owns the place, but apart from that, we have been frankly astounded that the US and Europe and its lackeys like Australia have done nothing of substance to pull Fat Boy Kim into line. Another win for us, and another autocracy firmly in place.

Even our weaker members have had a new lease of life. Venezuela is as mad and repressive as ever. Syria continues its merciless obliteration of its people and when Putin came to Assad’s rescue and got away with it, he was emboldened to go into Crimea, with only a bit of finger-wagging from the West.

How has all of this happened? Easily. The West has lost its will to win. The great democracies have done nothing to stop the advance of the autocracies but pass a handful of pious statements at conferences which no one has the slightest intention of enforcing.

And here we must give special thanks to poor old Joe Biden for making the rise of the despots so easy. By doing nothing, he has guaranteed the autocracies are winning. By taking weak measures he has made it plain there will be no serious US response, no matter what we do. Like Obama before him, he harps about China and Russia breaking the international rules-based order, but when they see there is no price to pay, apart from token sanctions, they continue to break it. In fact, we at Autocracies United have been so successful in getting the upper hand that you could let your daughter marry a dictator and no one would bat an eyelid.

Finally, the criticism we get from so-called democracies is so weak and so obviously meant to be ignored, that it encourages us to be more brutal and sign up more members until Autocracies United rules the world. Thank you, democracies!